Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.