Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
john wicks are toilet candles
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50