Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Did I do this right
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.