Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child