The answer is funnier than the question
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…