Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her