The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
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That’s it.I’m out.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.