Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
#SCOTUS one-star review
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.