*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
normalize having existential bread
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.