Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You Might Also Like
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.