Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
very niche meme I made
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
That earthquake could have been an email.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”