My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”