it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It do be feeling this way.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Noah was an idiot.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…