A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
You Might Also Like
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.