CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car