I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.