If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Meeeee too!
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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