JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Spa day..😅
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property