*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”