“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
who will stop them
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.