God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
honestly, i need both:
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.