They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
God has left this place
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.