My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.