I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
#parenting
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.