You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.