Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.