Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
You Might Also Like
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Erm…
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train