Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.