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“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn鈥檛 believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
A conga line? Now that鈥榮 something I can get behind
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Apparently I鈥檓 not giving my toddler enough food because she鈥檚 trying to eat our fridge magnets
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I鈥檓 gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700鈥檚 and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I鈥檓 sorry.
Me: please don鈥檛 interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 馃槒馃槒
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I鈥檓 like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm