Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
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kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.