I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You Might Also Like
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.