I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.