Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?