My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
“No way.” -Jose
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
What even happened today?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?