Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
thanksgiving in nutshell
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.