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Running your mouth is not cardio.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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