Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am