Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
she has a point
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.