I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
You Might Also Like
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes