I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
don’t we all
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.