Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Breaking news:
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.