I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“and how does that make you feel?”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Lol.