My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle