[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
welcome back
sin harder.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on