On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
inside you are two wolves
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me