The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.