I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
nice challenge
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Feel. He’s so soft.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s