ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Good advice.
Lucky old June.