The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
How to draw a duck
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.