OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.